I have spoken to a lot of people over the past 5 weeks – medical professionals, friends, my GP, support groups, helplines, the private counsellor I am still paying for.
I have had to look, really look, at the fact that my definition of abuse until 5 weeks ago, was at best blurry, and at worst, entirely incorrect. I was misinformed as a child. And as stupid as it makes me sound (and I do feel stupid, believe me) I have held that definition (relating to the time period when I was a child) in my head for 48 years.
It has helped starting to speak to other people, real professionals. But it costs me every time. I feel exhausted afterwards, my whole body aches.
There were 2 occasions when I was a child, 2 things that happened, that I now have to accept that the people who are helping me, define as sexual abuse. My feeling about these events is over-whelming humiliation. I do not feel that someone wanted to have sex with me. But I am starting to understand that sex as an ultimate goal is not necessarily what sexual abuse is about. That is a horrible realisation, in the context of what happened.
All abuse is about power.