In the Here & Now – Blog Post 8

Holding on to the reality of the here and now is very difficult after flashbacks. Today’s writing exercise was to re-ground myself in my own identity, to remind myself of what I know to be true. Here it is.

I have been a certified diver and sat on the bottom of the ocean; I have jumped out of a tiny airplane at 12,000 feet and parachuted down to earth. I have been an illegal alien in a foreign country; I have flown in a helicopter over the sea. I have travelled across more than 20 countries; I have lived and worked in 9 foreign lands, moving to live there knowing nobody and none of the language for 8 of them.

I have run across the Burmese border from the junta, I have smelled the dead laid out in the sun under plastic sheeting after a natural disaster. I have survived rape and homelessness, and I have watched as someone died on the street and I could do nothing. I have attended funerals for 5 members of my family, and for 3 friends. I have experienced real hunger; I have spent nights on the streets alone and terrified with a knife for protection. I have been drugged until I could not speak, I have been humiliated until I could not stand.

I have learned to speak 4 languages, I have examined all of the major religions in the world. I have taken a plane to the wrong country. I was indoctrinated as a child by a high-level control cult. I have helped children and saved animals, and I have climbed mountains on 3 continents. I have been shunned and vilified by everyone in my family, and my entire community and social network. I have been chased across the desert on a camel, I have given away the entire contents of my apartment 3 times. I have been ignored and misdiagnosed by medical professionals. I have crossed borders in planes, vehicles and on foot.

I have had my personal belongings set on fire, I have had a house and everything in it stolen from me. I have been underweight at 55 kilos and overweight at 82. I have had a stalker who tried to strangle me. I have slept in the desert under the stars. I have trained idiots who have superior paper qualifications to me; I have beaten 100 other candidates to a job, and then had the offer rescinded based upon a medical report from someone who had never met, spoken or ever communicated with me. I have walked through the jungle in a monsoon downpour. I have met wonderful people and horrible people. I have lived.

I loved my mum very much. She was religiously obsessive, fanatically controlling and abusive. Jehovah´s Witnesses gave her the perfect environment in which to be so.

But I am here. Now. And I am not done yet.

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4 Responses to In the Here & Now – Blog Post 8

  1. I read your blog entries. It sounds like today is bad. Maybe this can help. I you are having memories flooding in, it may help to repeat aloud. “It’s January 14, 2017. I am safe, and okay. I can take care of myself now, and I am safe.” Breath in, deep into your diaphragm, and deeper, pushing out your belly. Slowly let the air out, in reverse order. Take another breath, lungs, diaphragm, belly. And out. That’s called 3-stage breathing, and will help you to catch your breath, and get lots of oxygen.

    This journey till have its ups and downs, but you’ll make it.

    (former crisis intervenor and exJW survivor)


  2. StacAlpha says:

    You are strong, Jezebel. I’m pretty sure i don’t have the emotional strength to go through what you’ve gone through. Reflect on the good things you have and be happy. I hope all your dreams come true.


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