I am recalling more and more each day. Are these flashbacks? My doctor asked me. I had to say I didn’t really know what flashbacks are. But I could describe what I have been experiencing. It feels that there are things hanging around at the corner of my consciousness but if I try to concentrate and think about them, they slip away. The things I am remembering, I know that I’ve known them before. They are not presenting me with new information. Yet they differ from anything I have previously experienced in 3 distinct ways.
- They are extremely strong memories, to the point that I cannot continue to do whatever it is that I am doing when they arrive. They force me stop and catch my breath. They swamp my senses. I can’t carry on driving, or showering, or cooking, or watching tv, or talking, when they occur. I can only wait.
- They are immediate. Without any forerunning thought pattern, nor any previous logical chain of thought, they arrive in my head. I cannot summon them, nor can I stop them. I cannot control them either.
- They make me feel incredibly distressed. Some of them have made me physically sick. I believe that the actual content of some of them, would also be disturbing, weird or questionable to an objective outsider. And the actual content of others, would not seem disturbing to anyone else. But they all make me feel panicky, upset and fearful in the pit of my stomach.