You’re not that important -Blog Post 6

If my childhood really was abusive, why is there no support or help for me? I have approached my doctor, and we are agreed that I need some psychotherapy to give me tools to understand how to deal with what I am recalling and realising about my past. I have been informed that there are no therapists available on the NHS with experience in dealing with abusive cults. I will be referred to a therapist who deals with childhood abuse and trauma. This is understandable and ok, but it will apparently take months for me to be given an initial appointment. (EDIT: I now know that my doctor lied to me. He never, ever believed me. His report suggested I am ‘suffering from delusions’. See Blog Post 15 to understand what he did).

I am extremely distressed but not suicidal so I do not need to be admitted to hospital. There are 27 organisations in the county in which I live which offer support for adult survivors of childhood abuse.

I contacted each and every one.

CARA, NAPAC, Rape Crisis, Choices Counselling, STEP UP, SupportLINE, HAVOCA, Samaritans, Mind, Survivors Trust, Health in Mind, Aurora, Boarding Survivors, CEOP, Childline, Mosac, Lucy Faithful, NSPCC, PODS, RASAC, Safeline, Mankind, Survivors in Transition, The Change Project, Stonewall, Gallop.

I was not eligible for help from 26 of them for the following reasons:

I do not have a partner, I refused to say I was suicidal, I do not have a dissociative disorder, I did not attend boarding school, I am not in the ‘right’ area, I am an atheist (not a Christian), I am not a man, I am not a child, I had not experienced rape, I could not say definitively that I had experienced sexual abuse as I am unclear how to categorise some things that happened, I have not experienced sexual violence, I am not a parent, I am not ‘at risk’, I am not currently at risk of physical violence from a 2nd party, I cannot pay for treatment, I am not gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender, I am ‘not suitable’ for services offered, only ‘faceless, anonymous’ support offered via ‘phone or online forum.

The 1 organisation remaining was Victim Support. I telephoned, spent 45 minutes talking to someone, they took my details and advised there was a 6 week waiting list for support, and the case would be referred.

My adult brain understands that the health service and other support services in this country are stretched. But my ‘child’ brain is whispering that I do not deserve help as much as other people who had more ‘important’ types of abuse. Which means my childhood can’t have been that bad, doesn’t it? This is reinforced by the amount of services for rape/sexual abuse and lack for other types. If I won’t say I was sexually abused then I should be able to bear my hurt and pain alone.

A memory today was of something my mum used to say all the time, ‘No-one’s looking at you, you’re not that important’. She would tell me this constantly. And she’s right. I’ve asked for help, I’m trying to help myself. But no-one is looking at me.

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