Sadness and Recall – Blog Post 4

I began to recall more and more events, conversations, things I hadn’t thought about for years. They appeared random at first, then I stopped and thought about them and something clicked – like a very heavy penny is dropping after decades of hanging above me. I still can’t control them. I don’t like them, some of them are horrible. I don’t want to write them down on here, I can’t. They make me feel so very frightened and I cannot say why. I wake up in the morning and my immediate thought is of my childhood.

I kept my original appointment with the counsellor, but I cannot afford to pay for many more visits to her. I’m desperate for someone to talk to though, someone to help me make sense of what is happening. So after 5 days I made an appointment with my doctor. He was kind and patient but I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t even get all of my words out to tell him what had happened. I just showed him the paper with what I had written. He said he would make a request for therapy for me but it could take months. Services are very limited in my area so I am back at home alone. I am unbearably sad.

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2 Responses to Sadness and Recall – Blog Post 4

  1. This may feel awful. But you are doing just fine.

    HAVOCA (Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse) https://www.havoca.org/ has a good deal of helpful information. There may be a non-profit organization in your area that offers free assistance to crime victims. As an abuse survivor, you should qualify.

    Some churches offer free counseling, but I hesitate to send you there. Sadly, not all are sensitive to the needs of abuse survivors. The Mennonite Church, I know, has adopted a policy favoring victims of sexual abuse.

    Also, the self-help group Al-Anon could be useful. Al-Anon is the companion to Alcoholics Anonymous, but geared toward the adult children of alcoholics. (There is, also, an Alateen.) The meetings are free and anonymous. You would find others w/ experiences like your own.

    Try to take one day at a time, corny as that may sound. The hardest part is already over. The abuse has ended. You will make it!

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    • Thank you Anna, for your kindness. I have approached 3 organisations in my area for support until my medical referral for therapy comes through. The first two would not help me as I cannot say I am a survivor of sexual or physical abuse. The third one has put me on a waiting list. So I wait.

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