I began to recall more and more events, conversations, things I hadn’t thought about for years. They appeared random at first, then I stopped and thought about them and something clicked – like a very heavy penny is dropping after decades of hanging above me. I still can’t control them. I don’t like them, some of them are horrible. I don’t want to write them down on here, I can’t. They make me feel so very frightened and I cannot say why. I wake up in the morning and my immediate thought is of my childhood.
I kept my original appointment with the counsellor, but I cannot afford to pay for many more visits to her. I’m desperate for someone to talk to though, someone to help me make sense of what is happening. So after 5 days I made an appointment with my doctor. He was kind and patient but I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t even get all of my words out to tell him what had happened. I just showed him the paper with what I had written. He said he would make a request for therapy for me but it could take months. Services are very limited in my area so I am back at home alone. I am unbearably sad.