The following day I woke very early feeling terrified. This feeling remained for some months. I cannot verbalise what I was frightened of exactly. I tried to walk the dog but felt terribly anxious about being outside and worried that I would have to talk to anyone. I hurried home quickly (poor dog). I tried to distract myself by doing some online reading about Jehovah’s Witnesses and how being a part of their high-control group affects people even after they leave, and what techniques might be helpful in dealing with this.
During the afternoon, a thought, completely unbidden, came into my head. I remembered something about my childhood – I don’t mean a recovered memory, I have had this memory before, I knew this information before, but I have not thought about it for decades. I found it incredibly disturbing and still do. Again I don’t know why exactly. The memory of it upsets me a great deal, I feel very sick when I think about it. I am very hesitant to write it on here, as I feel it is disgusting and I feel very ashamed. But I hope I am writing anonymously and the very point of doing this is to confront my past and try to learn from it in order to progress.
I remember I had a period of time between the ages of 8 and 11 when I would deliberately, secretly, shit my knickers and then hide them around the house. I tried to hide them in a variety of places. I was very creative in finding places – the cistern tank in the toilet, the bottom of cardboard boxes, in plastic bags behind books on the bookshelf. Obviously I was always worried that they would be found, and of course, ultimately they would be. My parents would then be disgusted and horrified and tell me I was very dirty. I don’t know why I did this. I don’t know why this memory disturbs me so much. And I don’t know why it has popped back into my head now. But I don’t like it.
I hope that if anyone is reading this, you will not judge me. I can’t explain it.